Experiment!

So I've gone and seen my family Dr. and it was a mixture of gratifying and unbelievably frustrating.  The thing about my doctor is that she is no nonsense to the zenith degree.  She's not much for the warm and fuzzies and in all honesty I really need the warm and fuzziest at the moment.  She has continued the Celexa for me be didn't prescribe any more Ativan.  I think that's a good thing because I don't want to become too dependent on it.  I certainly have been know to have a bit of an addictive personality.  She did however give me some medication to help me sleep so I guess if I get to worked up I can at least take a nap.

My counselor, who I shall call P. because that is mysterious and accurate, seems to not be giving me the feedback that I feel I should be getting.  He doesn't really tell me anything I should be working on, he just tells me that everything I'm doing is okay, is there anything else I want to talk about, and have I seen Avatar?  Really?  Avatar?  What does that have to do with anything?  My doctor doesn't seem that impressed with the level of psychological care that I've been given and she wants me to ask P. to suggest a therapist in my town that I can talk to.  I think that actually is good advice.

So as per my title I am conducting an experiment today.  I am drinking wine.  I haven't drank in a couple of weeks and not since I started Celexa.  Apparently there are supposed to be some crazy ass side effects from drinking when you're on it but I am not feeling anything aside from sleepiness.  I guess I just wanted to test out what the effect would be mostly out of curiosity and to make sure that I don't turn into a raging maniac in case I do decide to have a glass of wine out in public.

So all in all today has been good.  My anxiety was about a four today, I anticipate that I would be back at work within two weeks or so.  Time will tell, literally I guess.

The Jammy Shuffle

So, happy surprise, I didn't have to go to work to file for my stress leave.  My boss called me and I was able to do it all over the phone.  I will have essentially a case worker call me by the end of the week and then I will have to go into meetings every week or so to discuss the barriers that are keeping me from being able to perform my job.  That is where I think I'm going to feel really challenged.  Physically there is nothing wrong with me.  My arms and legs work,  I'm in good physical health.  I could technically continue to work with success for quite some time before my brain had a complete and total breakdown but I'm not willing to let it go to that point again.  Yes, again.  This has happened to me before and it resulted in week spent on the couch bawling, me quitting by job, leaving the city I was living in to move back home and cutting every friend that I had made out there out of my life.  So yeah, I don't really want to go down that cheerful path again.

On a brighter and hopefully more productive note I started following some different blogs on blogger that I think are well done, well written and interesting to look at.  I'm hoping that they will inspire me to make this blog better.  I'd like to keep it up and eventually it's not going to be all about my messed up brain.  Well that's the plan at least.

I feel like today is the first day of my recovery.

it's all about one thing

I have spent the entire day in bed so far.  It's cold outside so any plans I was thinking of taking part in I've mentally excused my way out of.  I can tell that my dog is wondering why the f I won't get up.  Every time I make a trip to the bathroom she gets excited and runs into the living room probably hoping that I'm at least heading there.  Sorry puppy, no dice.  Back to bed every time.  I never understood why depressed people stay in bed so much but when you're in this state it makes a bit more sense.  When there's nothing out there that you feel like dealing with or participating in there really isn't any motivation to leave the comfort of your bed.

Needless to say I will not count today amongst the good days.

I've also been cheating on my diet all weekend which is not a good thing either.  Food is not your friend, food is fuel for your body.  I need to remember that this is my mantra.  Eat when you're hungry and then eat food that will nourish you.  Easier said than done at the moment.

Tomorrow I go to work and then I will officially be on stress leave.  Then I will feel like I really can start showing my face in public again.  I'm not going to take any Ativan today, or at least that's my goal.  I'm feeling quite a bit of anxiety right now just thinking about going into work to deal with all of this stuff.  I'm going to try and deal with my anxiety level through some tricks that my naturopath suggested.  So far it's not working all that well.

Well that's about all I have to say today I guess.  I'm going to watch some Colbert and hopefully get up.

Saturday Night's Alright!

Well the weekend is upon me again.  I've now been off work for one full week and starting on Monday I will have to start the process for filing my stress leave.  My very supportive boss is not in the office until Tuesday so I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen on Monday.   I actually went out and did some things today which was really nice.  I went to our local market with one of my best friends which is a place I haven't gone to in a couple of years.  I actually bought some essential oil sleep spray stuff that a naturopath suggested to me.  That's right, I'm taking advice from a naturopath.  Anyone who knew me would be quite surprised.  Anyway, I tried some on my pillow and laid down for a nap and it worked like a mother f-ing charm.  I'm sure that Ativan had nothing to do with it.

If I were to rate my anxiety today on a scale of one to ten I would give it a six.  That's much better than it has been in a long time.  Yesterday wasn't quite as good sadly but I think it's going to take awhile before I start feeling like things are improving with stability.

I'm trying to proactively talk to my friends about my situation so that they don't get freaked out or think that they can't talk to me or that I'm going to dissolve into a pile of gooey tears if they say the wrong thing.  I don't want them to feel weird around me or weird about what's going on with me.  I had a great talk with my very best friend tonight and it felt good just to tell her how I feel and hear that she understands.  She says that she's going to try and take a break from partying for awhile too.  I think we're both kind of sick of the scene such as it is.  At least I have my medication as an excuse.

I see my family doctor next week.  I'm not looking forward to it, she kind of scares me a little bit.  She's very no nonsense and I'm worried that she's not going to understand the issues that I've been having.  I am sure I'm just not giving her enough credit.  I don't go bugging her all the time with all kinds of fluffy non sense.  It's ironic that going to ask for help for my anxiety and depression is giving me more anxiety than anything else in my immediate life right now.

I have been thinking about joining some sort of support group but everyone that I look at online seems to be a bunch of people trying to one up each other on how bad they have it.  I don't know how supportive that could really be.  I don't even know if a support group would do anything anyway.  I guess I just keep trying to do the things I think I should be doing right now.

I just realized that this is the first Saturday in 14 weeks that I haven't drank.

brain not work so good...

 I am off work diagnosed with Acute Situational Anxiety Disorder which is just a fancy way of saying that random things freak the me the fuck out.  In the last couple of months my brain has escalated from occasionally tweaky to full on spastic.  This week I began having panic attacks before going to work and and I decided that it's time for a break.  I needed somewhere to talk about what's happening to me and inside my brain and decided that this might be the way to do it.  I'm currently being treated with Celexa and Ativan and have started weekly counseling.  I don't know at the moment how long I'm going to be off work but I'm determined to make the most of it.  I know that I won't be fixed because I'm not broken per se.  I just want to be on a better path with the proper tools to make me able to handle my brain in times like these.

So what am I going to do?  I am not going to sit on the couch week after week waiting for my medication to kick in so that I can feel functional.  Today I was proud of myself for just going for a walk with my dog and I realized that I run a risk of isolating myself from everyone.  I am happiest in my bubble that is my apartment with my dog and my cat.  I have lots of movies and books, lots of little distractions to keep me occupied.  I just don't want that to be the result of this gift that I have been able to take advantage of.

On the flip side I need to change the way I am socializing at the moment.  When I'm upset on the inside I have a tendency to drink too much and act in a way that makes me even more depressed in the long run.  So no more booze for awhile.  Good bye booze, I'll miss you.  Most of the time when I am hanging out with my friends drinking is involved so I'm either going to have to stay away or try and have fun without drinking.  I hear that its possible.   I'm also not supposed to drink while taking Celexa so that is an incentive in it's self.

So today, more questions than answers.  I'm still waiting to be officially on STD, it feels weird calling in sick every day when I'm not physically sick with a cold or flu.  It's even weirder to have to admit to myself that I have a mental condition that is keeping me from work.  I'm thankful that I have a job that is so supportive and that has a program to support me through this.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this opportunity.